Anxiety

My mind is a skyscraper, shiny and new.  But it is all a façade, ready to shatter.  All that remains will be the skeleton of the structure.  But it’s holding on for now.

My mind is a movie.  A thriller, or possibly horror.  The one where a Utopian city is plagued by some unseen monster that lurks in the shadows.  The government tries to pretend everything is fine, tries to force everyone to be happy even when they’re terrified.  So everyone smiles and carries on like Utopians societies exist.

But they don’t, and everyone knows it.  People watch the shadows from the corners of their eyes, waiting for affirmation of their fears.  The monster in many movies and stories survives on the peripheral like that.  Once seen head on, they aren’t so scary anymore.

This monster isn’t like that.  Once the people see it, recognize it by its true name, it gains power.  It feeds on the fear of itself, grows stronger and stronger, until everything falls apart into nonfuncional anarchy.  There is nothing left but the monster as it ravages the city.

Just like in the movies, this monster loves the darkness.  At night, when I’m less easily distracted, it sometimes surfaces with a mewling roar.  Usually, sleep comes rather effortlessly.  But not tonight.  The monster is watching me watch it, waiting in the wings. 

I don’t know what is wrong with me only because if I acknowledge it, it will overwhelm me.

(Adventures in anxiety.  Ugh!  So vexing.  I never used to have problems with this, but in the last 8 months or so, it’s gotten progressively worse.  The doctor said to exercise more and I am, which makes me less lethargic but not less anxious.  Blah.  I just want to run away)

Advertisements

About MurasakiOkapi

Work has taken over a huge portion of my life in recent years, but I am trying hard to get back in the habit of being at least marginally creative on a semi-regular basis. Other than that, I'm a nature enthusiast and love all animals. I try to see things from many perspectives, and live on the sustainable side. I wouldn't say I'm a positive person, but at the same time I don't tend to get too down about things.
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s